![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ariad(co-written with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ipsius)
Chapter One. William the Bard's First Wife.
William the Bard's first wife was a beautiful noblewoman named Isabella Threemiddlenames. She came from a prestigious family, descended from the famed Hippomenes and Atalanta, who had granted the family with very fit and attractive genes, as well as the leisure to study crocheting, an art at which Isabella was very adept. But the family had come on hard times and had not the money it once did. William the Bard cared not about that; he cared only that Isabella was beautiful. He asked her father for Isabella's hand in marriage, and Isabella's father, who hoped to gain some money from the marriage or at least be rid of another mouth to feed, happily agreed.
The two were wed, and on their honeymoon, Isabella spoke her first words to William the Bard: "Your butt is too big."
In answer to this, William the Bard went outside and climbed a tree. When he came back down, his butt was slimmer.
Isabella was pleased, and as a reward, she gave to William the Bard a golden apple from the family's apple tree. Having acquired his dowry, William the Bard left for a foreign land, where he would meet his second wife.
Chapter Two. William the Bard's Second Wife.
William the Bard's second wife asked William the Bard to sing a song for her. He did, but she was not pleased.
"Go slay a dragon," his second wife said, "and sing me a song about that."
Thus William the Bard embarked on a quest to the Library of Alexandria, a tower of the whitest stone and evenly distributed windows, which was guarded by a long green dragon which spiraled the length of the tower. William the Bard shot the dragon with his gun and returned home to sing to his wife of his victory.
His second wife was pleased, and as a reward, she gave to him a silver feather. Having acquired his dowry, William the Bard left again for the desert where he would meet his third wife.
(Historical Note: Although William the Bard believed himself to have slain the dragon, the dragon, who was very clever from reading the books in the Library of Alexandria, which contains both fiction and nonfiction, was only playing dead. Dragons cannot be harmed by any metal with the exception of iron. William the Bard's bullet was made of lead and did not harm the dragon.)
Chapter Three. William the Bard's Third Wife.
William the Bard's third wife dwelled in a small desert village. "Our supply of water is running low," his wife said to him. "Please find us a new source of water." William the Bard agreed and set off across the desert.
For days, William the Bard battled fire-breathing lizards and giant scorpions, but at last, he discovered a water hole which would be suitable for building a new well.
He was very far from his wife's village now and, after taking a drink from the water hole, was about to begin the long trek back when he saw a small fox lying a ways from the water hole. It appeared to be very weak. William the Bard carried the fox to the water hole and let it drink.
Suddenly, the fox transformed into a beautiful woman. "Thank you for assisting me in my time of need," the fox-woman said. "In return for your kindness, I shall grant you one wish." Although the fox-woman was very beautiful, William the Bard remained faithful to his third wife and wished that his wife's entire village would be transported to the vicinity of the water hole, and so they were.
William the Bard's third wife was pleased, and as a reward, she gave to him a camel whose udders would never run dry. Having acquired his dowry, William the Bard left his third wife for the fox-woman, who would become his fourth wife.
Chapter Four. William the Bard's Fourth Wife.
William the Bard's fourth wife was a fairy, and like all fairies, she was born of the elements. The woman who would later be called her step-mother was an alchemist who had mixed fire, earth, and air inside a beaker heated in a cauldron. The alchemist was proud of her creation, but as the fairy grew older, the alchemist grew jealous of her power and beauty. The fairy joined a traveling circus, where she learned to fashion various shapes from pipe cleaners, and she was very happy. One night, when the circus was traveling through a desert, the fairy went to sleep. When she woke up, the circus was gone, and she was a fox.
During her time as a fox, William the Bard's fourth wife had grown tiresome of the desert's heat and aridity. "Let us go somewhere far away," his fourth wife said. "Somewhere with snow."
Thus William the Bard took his fourth wife to Chicago, where thousands of ice-breathing dragons flew overhead. "What fun they would be to shoot," William the Bard thought, but he doubted his fourth wife would enjoy dead dragon raining from the sky as much as his second wife would have. The two took shelter in a cave, where they lived on plenty of milk and yogurt, and for a time, they were happy.
One day, William the Bard's fourth wife said to him, "I appear to be pregnant." William the Bard looked at her skeptically, for she did not appear to be pregnant. "No," she insisted, "I really am pregnant. What are you going to do about it?"
William the Bard placed his hands upon his fourth wife's shoulders and said to her, "I shall care for you and our child, and for as long as I am here, you shall not want for anything."
"I want camel meat," she said.
"I am not slaughtering my camel, you bitch," William the Bard replied.
William the Bard's fourth wife was pleased. "You have shown great moral fortitude in refusing to slaughter your camel," she said. "Also, I'm not really pregnant." As a reward, she gave to him a pine cone made of pipe cleaners.
The last three stories of William the Bard were never written. The author had a religious conversion, wrote a lengthy apology for having written the first four, and died. His tombstone reads, "All my life's workârubbish."
ipsius)Chapter One. William the Bard's First Wife.
William the Bard's first wife was a beautiful noblewoman named Isabella Threemiddlenames. She came from a prestigious family, descended from the famed Hippomenes and Atalanta, who had granted the family with very fit and attractive genes, as well as the leisure to study crocheting, an art at which Isabella was very adept. But the family had come on hard times and had not the money it once did. William the Bard cared not about that; he cared only that Isabella was beautiful. He asked her father for Isabella's hand in marriage, and Isabella's father, who hoped to gain some money from the marriage or at least be rid of another mouth to feed, happily agreed.
The two were wed, and on their honeymoon, Isabella spoke her first words to William the Bard: "Your butt is too big."
In answer to this, William the Bard went outside and climbed a tree. When he came back down, his butt was slimmer.
Isabella was pleased, and as a reward, she gave to William the Bard a golden apple from the family's apple tree. Having acquired his dowry, William the Bard left for a foreign land, where he would meet his second wife.
Chapter Two. William the Bard's Second Wife.
William the Bard's second wife asked William the Bard to sing a song for her. He did, but she was not pleased.
"Go slay a dragon," his second wife said, "and sing me a song about that."
Thus William the Bard embarked on a quest to the Library of Alexandria, a tower of the whitest stone and evenly distributed windows, which was guarded by a long green dragon which spiraled the length of the tower. William the Bard shot the dragon with his gun and returned home to sing to his wife of his victory.
His second wife was pleased, and as a reward, she gave to him a silver feather. Having acquired his dowry, William the Bard left again for the desert where he would meet his third wife.
(Historical Note: Although William the Bard believed himself to have slain the dragon, the dragon, who was very clever from reading the books in the Library of Alexandria, which contains both fiction and nonfiction, was only playing dead. Dragons cannot be harmed by any metal with the exception of iron. William the Bard's bullet was made of lead and did not harm the dragon.)
Chapter Three. William the Bard's Third Wife.
William the Bard's third wife dwelled in a small desert village. "Our supply of water is running low," his wife said to him. "Please find us a new source of water." William the Bard agreed and set off across the desert.
For days, William the Bard battled fire-breathing lizards and giant scorpions, but at last, he discovered a water hole which would be suitable for building a new well.
He was very far from his wife's village now and, after taking a drink from the water hole, was about to begin the long trek back when he saw a small fox lying a ways from the water hole. It appeared to be very weak. William the Bard carried the fox to the water hole and let it drink.
Suddenly, the fox transformed into a beautiful woman. "Thank you for assisting me in my time of need," the fox-woman said. "In return for your kindness, I shall grant you one wish." Although the fox-woman was very beautiful, William the Bard remained faithful to his third wife and wished that his wife's entire village would be transported to the vicinity of the water hole, and so they were.
William the Bard's third wife was pleased, and as a reward, she gave to him a camel whose udders would never run dry. Having acquired his dowry, William the Bard left his third wife for the fox-woman, who would become his fourth wife.
Chapter Four. William the Bard's Fourth Wife.
William the Bard's fourth wife was a fairy, and like all fairies, she was born of the elements. The woman who would later be called her step-mother was an alchemist who had mixed fire, earth, and air inside a beaker heated in a cauldron. The alchemist was proud of her creation, but as the fairy grew older, the alchemist grew jealous of her power and beauty. The fairy joined a traveling circus, where she learned to fashion various shapes from pipe cleaners, and she was very happy. One night, when the circus was traveling through a desert, the fairy went to sleep. When she woke up, the circus was gone, and she was a fox.
During her time as a fox, William the Bard's fourth wife had grown tiresome of the desert's heat and aridity. "Let us go somewhere far away," his fourth wife said. "Somewhere with snow."
Thus William the Bard took his fourth wife to Chicago, where thousands of ice-breathing dragons flew overhead. "What fun they would be to shoot," William the Bard thought, but he doubted his fourth wife would enjoy dead dragon raining from the sky as much as his second wife would have. The two took shelter in a cave, where they lived on plenty of milk and yogurt, and for a time, they were happy.
One day, William the Bard's fourth wife said to him, "I appear to be pregnant." William the Bard looked at her skeptically, for she did not appear to be pregnant. "No," she insisted, "I really am pregnant. What are you going to do about it?"
William the Bard placed his hands upon his fourth wife's shoulders and said to her, "I shall care for you and our child, and for as long as I am here, you shall not want for anything."
"I want camel meat," she said.
"I am not slaughtering my camel, you bitch," William the Bard replied.
William the Bard's fourth wife was pleased. "You have shown great moral fortitude in refusing to slaughter your camel," she said. "Also, I'm not really pregnant." As a reward, she gave to him a pine cone made of pipe cleaners.
The last three stories of William the Bard were never written. The author had a religious conversion, wrote a lengthy apology for having written the first four, and died. His tombstone reads, "All my life's workârubbish."
